Uncategorized
Introducing the Trumpitini
Liberator-in-Chief
Fauxtoon from Faux News: Great Day For America
Faux News: White House Plan to Deal With The Pandemic/Economic Crisis
Same deal. Our disguised reporter is in the White House serving drinks. All the usual suspects are present: Trump, Barr, Pence, McConnell, Graham and Stephen Miller along with a couple of unidentified underlings. Trump is in an especially foul mood as he sips on a diet coke and eats his second Big Mac and his super-sized fries. An unidentified underling is talking when our reporter enters.
Underling 1: So there you have it, Mr. President. Our research shows you are down in all the polls, and Biden is likely to win unless things change. I mean, really change. This virus is killing us and the economy. Oh, my God! Experts are telling us it is not going to get any better by November, not the pandemic and not the economy. It could actually go on for years, and if we totally open up the economy too fast, we could be looking at 10,000 deaths a month, maybe more….
Trump: You are fired! Now get the hell out of my face. Pence, find the experts he is talking about. Have them locked up.
Pence: I am on it. I admire your leadership so much. You are so inspiring…
Trump: Thank you, Pence. I know I can count on you. So what do the rest of you think?
Barr: Well, I have some good news. Everything is set up now for you to decide whether to pardon all your allies and subordinates who are now in prison or waiting to be tried or if you would prefer, for the Justice Department simply to drop charges. Your friends will all be free, following your command.
Trump: Great news! If they are in jail, I will pardon those who have not squealed on me. Otherwise, you drop the charges.
Barr: We also will be bringing charges against Mueller, Comey and over a dozen others in the Justice Department and the FBI for being traitors plus a whole bunch of other charges. They will be in the slammer for the rest of their lives, and we will teach the Deep State a thing or two. Your base will love it! Plus it will take the focus off the covid crisis and off the economy.
Trump: Thanks, Barr. Great news. But I am still worried about the polls. I just do not understand why people are so upset. I do not understand why I am so mistreated.
Underlining 2: With all due respect, sir, they are upset, Mr. President, because almost 75,000 Americans have died from the virus and over 33 million are unemployed. Well over a million have been infected, but nobody really knows how many. Could be 1.5 million. People are terrified. Those are the facts, sir. Plus governors are complaining that they still do not have enough tests or protective equipment and that—I do not believe any of this myself—but that you have been sending mixed messages to states, and people are confused.
Trump: You are fired! Get out of my face. Pence, take him out.
Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. You are inspiration.
(Pence escorts him to the door.)
Trump: Find out where he got this fake information, Pence. Have them locked up.
Pence: On it, sir.
Graham: You know we love you and admire you and think that you are the greatest president the country has ever seen, by far the greatest, so great in fact that there are really no words to describe how great you are, but with all due respect and admiration, sir, I humbly have to agree that the covid crisis and the economy are taking their toll. I know that it is not your fault. You have done everything right like you always do. You are a true hero, but the deaths and the job losses, they are real. Perhaps we should be doing more.
McConnell: Not if it means giving one more nickel to the deadbeats who are getting employment insurance for a couple of extra months. These giveaways discourage work. That is why we in the Senate are also going to cut food stamps way back and, of course, put the nail in the Obamacare coffin. These actions will inspire your base and get them revved up. Also no more bailouts for small businesses. Maybe big ones but no small ones. We just can’t afford it. We have got to act with fiscal responsibility. Cutting these pathetic giveaways plus the elimination of payroll taxes and more cuts for corporations and billionaires will do the job. You will smash Biden. You really do not have to worry.
Miller: Mr. President, both senators actually have good points. We have to admit that we are in a national crisis. Yet we must act with fiscal responsibility and not reward deadbeats. So I agree with both of them. But it is not hopeless. I have a plan that will assure your reelection.
Trump: Let’s hear it, Steve.
Miller: First step. You declare the pandemic over. Gone. You have conquered it single-handedly. This then frees you up for the second step, to order everyone in the country to go back to work and for all businesses that were shut down to reopen. Those not complying will be locked up. That will solve the employment problem and your popularity problem. By November the economy will be just like it was in early January. People will love you; and most important, they will be rid of all lock down orders, they can ditch all the facemasks and touch anyone they want, anywhere they want, heh, heh, heh, Mr. President, if you know what I mean. Football will resume in September and by November your reelection will be in the bag. And you can restart the big rallies beginning in early June. The stadiums will be jampacked with loving supporters wearing MAGA hats, screaming “lock him up” and burning face masks.
Trump: Lock who up?
Miller: Biden, of course. Sleepy Joe. You’ve got the goods on him. Ukraine, sexual assault, Hunter, and so much more. He is toast.
Trump: Well, for the first time in weeks I am starting to feel better. Thanks, Steve. Are there any downsides?
Miller: Well, there is one small downside and that is what happens in the unlikely event that covid-19 actually hangs around, that it does not go away. I do not believe a word any of the scientists and so called experts are saying, but there are some who are saying that opening up America too fast could result in more deaths.
Trump: Like how many?
Miller: I don’t know, maybe two or three million, over the next couple of years, but don’t worry. I have a plan for that. You declare by executive order that the number of covid deaths that occur are top secret information and that anyone revealing what the numbers are will be tried for treason. I guarantee that will fix the problem. No one in the country will have any idea how many are getting sick and dying.
Barr: He is right. The Justice Department will support this fully, and the FBI will lock up anyone who reveals this information. No one will know! Brilliant, Steve. Plus, Mr. President if the Democrats object, remember you have five votes you can always count on in the Supreme Court.
Graham: But people could be dying all over the place. Won’t people know that this is happening?
Miller: The flu. They will be dying from the flu! Dying from the flu is not such a big deal. People die from the flu all the time. And two or thee million might sound like a lot of deaths over a couple of years, but it is really not so bad—only one or two percent of the population. And keep in mind, most of those dying will be poor people and black people and brown people, immigrants, old codgers who were going to die anyway, and other losers. Who will really care?
Trump: Brilliant, Steve! Tweets start at 3:00 AM tomorrow morning. Everybody get on it.
Pence: You got it, Mr. President!
Covid-(Catch) 22
Yesterday I emailed a draft of what I think should be in my obituary to our two grown children, who I presume will have the obit responsibility when the time comes. I want to be sure they get everything right. But rest assured, I am not dead yet. But I could be! Here is my story:
It is hard not to think constantly about the Covid Crisis. It–and only it—dominates the television news, the radio, the newspapers, the internet, and every talk show. Every day. All the time. Embry and I wear masks. We keep six-foot distances. We stay out of all stores and order groceries online. We communicate with others via email, Zoom and phone calls. We stay home and sulk wondering if we will ever be freed from House Arrest. We do not know when, if ever, we will be able to hug our grandchildren. We are obsessed.
A recent comment from a friend’s email a few days ago resonated with me. He commented that he wondered when this is all over, which group he would join first, Weight Watchers or AA. Me too. I get it. Yes, these are tough and scary times.
This explains why last week when Embry came down with extreme fatigue, aches and pains– “flu-like symptoms” — we looked at each other and said, “Oh, no!” Actually, that is not what we said; but since my grandchildren might read this, it will have to do. Unlike me, Embry never gets sick. That is not exactly true either since after she had spent time in an African country, she once or twice came back with some weird disease. But a run-of-the-mill cold or flu? Never. This spring, however, Embry has been going to the Virginia Hospital Center in Arlington every day during the preceding three weeks for radiology treatments for breast cancer. (She is doing ok and the prognosis is very good.) Sixteen visits to be exact. Guess who else is going to hospitals these days. I drove her to her appointment every day and waited patiently in the car envisioning Embry squeezing her way through crowds of coughing people, some without masks, desperate for help. It turns out that those seeking emergency help and ventilators went to another part of the hospital. But still. The first week of her treatment (early April), she noted that no one was wearing a mask, not even the doctors and medical technicians. It seemed to me she stood a pretty good chance of getting infected. I was certain that her symptoms had to be the dread disease. How else could you explain it?
That was Saturday. The next day I came down with similar symptoms. I staggered to the computer and got on the internet to review the symptoms of Covid-19. The good news was that neither of us had any fever. We still could taste food and smell things, and our toes were not blue or green. We did not have a dry cough. And we could breathe. I practiced holding my breath. Thirty seconds. Was that long enough? But we still felt terrible and had the awful fatigue and body aches that often accompany the flu. Besides, it turns out that the symptoms of Covid-19 are all over the place, and a victim often takes a quick turn for the worse. The truth is nobody really knows for sure if they have it until they get tested or they can’t breathe anymore. By that time, it may be too late. Surely, I thought, our number had come up.
What to do? No brainer. Of course, first you call your doctor. We are members of Kaiser Permanente and have been very pleased with this healthcare system and the care we have received for the last five or six years we have been members. But you never call your physician at Kaiser. You communicate via the message center on their website. When I logged in, I discovered a new warning on the Kaiser Permanente website that due to the Covid-19 crisis, communication with Kaiser physicians would be exclusively via a phone or video conference, and that you had to reserve a spot in advance. My doctor’s name appeared, and I immediately reserved a time slot for the next day, Monday, at nine in the morning.
Monday morning came and went. No call from the doctor. This was very strange since she had never missed following up quickly on emails before. That afternoon I checked back on the Kaiser website and realized that my appointment was for Monday at nine the following week. There were no spots left for this week. That was an eternity away. We both could be dead by then. The website, however, had a solution for patients like us: “If you are ill, dial 911 or go to the nearest emergency room.” Now it is true that there was also a message about calling an advisory nurse, but we did not want a nurse. We wanted a doctor. We wanted our doctor. We wanted our doctor now.
Panic! At least I was panicking. Embry was starting to feel a little better, and I could tell by her look that she thought I might be overreacting. But for me the vision of the typical Covid emergency room immediately came to mind. We have all seen photos or videos of the catastrophic situation in New York City hospitals. Harried, medical personnel running this way and that wearing hazmat suits and masks. Patients, some with masks, others without, leaning against the hallway walls or sitting on the floors patiently waiting for help. People in cars lined up in front of emergency rooms, some slouched over the steering wheel, dead. For some reason the image of Calcutta in the 1930s and 40s came to mind—emaciated people jammed together, lying on the hallway floors in the hospital, dressed in tattered rags, moaning, with flies swarming around them, pleading for help.
The emergency room? Oh, my goodness! It was at this moment that I began to write my obituary. I know that it is not common or appropriate for someone to compose his or her own obituary, but I feared that very important things might be overlooked if left to others. Things like my blog posts and storytelling.
I had experienced emergency rooms in Washington before. A couple of years ago we took Embry’s brother, Mike, to the emergency room at the Washington Hospital Center for them to treat a severe infection. At nine in the morning the waiting room was already packed. By noon the ambulances were lined up with patients waiting to get in. By late afternoon every bed was taken, and patients were on stretchers, packed in the hallways so tightly that you could hardly walk between them. And all that was long before Covid-19. I could only imagine what the situation would be like today. The Calcutta image appeared in my mind again.
But the real issue with emergency rooms is that if by some chance you actually do not have Covid-19 when you go in, you surely will have it when you come out—if you come out. The germs have to be everywhere; and even if you wear a mask, it will do little good under emergency room conditions during the Covid crisis. Why on earth would Kaiser or any other health care provider even suggest in the Covid-19 world that the emergency room is a viable option for anyone “feeling ill” without first being screened by a physician? Other healthcare providers are doing the same thing.
Catch 22, baby. Catch Covid 22! You do not really know if you have the disease until you are tested. In DC and most of the country, you can’t get tested unless you have a doctor’s order. Doctors are so busy they can’t even talk to you for at least a week, let alone see you. In a week you might not be able to breathe. You are desperate for help. So you suck it up and go to the nearest emergency room. You find out it was a false alarm. You only had a common cold. You are relieved. But in the emergency room you are exposed to Covid-19. Five days later you are back again. This time it is the real thing. Anything wrong with this picture?
In our case I am happy to report that it was a false alarm. Embry was better by Tuesday, and I perked up on Thursday. We never talked to a doctor or ventured out to an emergency room. Did we have Covid-19? Probably not, but what we did have was pretty weird; and this is one weird disease.
We were–and are–the lucky ones. But what this experience really brought home to me is what this disease is doing to others who are not as lucky as we were. It brought home to me the fear that they must feel, their desperation, and their despair. I read somewhere that almost half of the patients who do get to the emergency room do not survive if they require a ventilator. More chilling is that those who are hanging on by a thread—or, for that matter, all patients in the ER during this crisis– are not permitted to have visitors. They do not have family and loved ones by their sides. Those who do not make it die alone. Their grieving family and those who are left behind are not able to attend a funeral. All gatherings of more than a handful of people are prohibited by the stay-at-home orders. It is a tragedy beyond description. It is nothing like anyone alive today has ever experienced.
At some point we–I mean “we” as in the human race– will get through this. But we do not have a clue when. Despite the easing of restrictions in some states, it now looks like the worst is yet to come. All we humans can do is hang in there, honor the distancing restrictions as best we can, and gut it out, hoping and praying that we and those we love will be the lucky ones and that at the end of it all, some good will come out of this horror.
Faux News: Trump Replaces Health Advisors, Threatens Court Martials for West Point Seniors
Trump announced today that he was firing advisors Fauci and Birx and replacing them with Rutherford Jackson, the scientist who invented the drug hydroxychloroquine and whose controversial views of fighting the Covid-19 epidemic involve “bodily cleansing.” While Mr. Jackson’s credentials are unclear, he is called “The Doctor” by his followers and has recently caught the ear of the President, who has shown impatience regarding social distancing and stay-at-home orders, which are devasting the economy. In a recent interview on Fox news “The Doctor” refuted the critics who have argued that there is no scientific evidence that hydroxychloroquine has any positive impact on curing patients with Covid-19, but that it can have serious side effects and should be avoided. “The Doctor” responded that all the evidence by his scientific team actually points to a cure by ingesting this drug in addition to other substances recommended by Trump at his press conference on Thursday such as rubbing alcohol, Lysol, and bleach. He referred to his critics as “a bunch of wimps and sissies.”
“It all has to do with bodily cleansing,” said The Doctor, “Besides rubbing alcohol and bleach, my favorite cleansers are nitroglycerin and Lysol. If swallowed in appropriate doses, they will kill anything.”
Following the announcement of the appointment of Mr. Jackson, the stock market rose over 1,000 points due largely to increases in stock prices of drug and cleanser manufacturers, including TrumpPharma, whose CEO is Donald Trump Jr. The healthcare community reacted immediately warning that ingesting any of these substances could lead to immediate death. There has been no response as of this reporting by the White House.
Following the President’s announcement to appoint Jackson as his primary health advisor, Trump announced that he has ordered all graduating seniors back to West Point where he will give the commencement address. He has notified the officials at the school that any graduate who misses the event should be court martialed. He also has insisted that all the traditional ceremonies, such as when the graduates throw their hats into the sky, will be honored, and all social distancing regulations will be lifted for the cadets and for all who attend the ceremony. For security reasons, no masks will be permitted, but Trump has ordered that dispensers of hydroxychloroquine and Lysol should be placed at various strategic locations in the stadium such as exits and restrooms.
Faux News: Breaking News, Trump Hints At Civil War
In an abrupt about-face, President Trump today called on his supporters to “liberate America” from the stay-at-home orders associated with the Covid-19 crisis, which he said were concocted by Democrats and fueled by the fake news media.
“There is no pandemic,” tweeted the president, “Never has been, never was, TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY. NOW!” Boarding the presidential helicopter this morning, he was confronted by several in the news media asking why he had supported these stay-at-home measures before and in fact had just issued directives for governors to proceed with a gradual loosening of restrictions. The president lashed out at the reporters, arguing that he never claimed that the country was experiencing a pandemic. “These are all lies by the fake news media. Total lies. I have said from the get-go that just like the global warming nonsense, the whole thing is a hoax. I want everyone back to work!”
“Look,” said the president, “More people die each year in automobile accidents than have died in this fake pandemic. It is all an attempt to make me look bad during an election year, to hurt my businesses, and to kill the strongest economy the world has ever seen, the economy which I created basically single-handedly by the way. My supporters understand this and will have none of it. These reckless stay-at-home actions have put over 22 million Americans out of work. And so, my rallies will continue; and if my supporters want to protest at the statehouses occupied by dictatorial, Democratic governors, I say just do it. Take ‘em over if you have to! Do whatever it takes to liberate these states, and the federal government will be behind you.”
Vice President Pence was the first to praise the president, saying to reporters, as he typically does whenever given a chance to speak, that Trump is the “greatest ruler of all time,” and that Trump’s call for the end of “so called health restrictions” was long overdue. Led by Mitch McConnell and Lindsay Graham, most Republican senators were quick to fall in line, congratulating the president for his “courageous leadership.” Strong encouragement also came from the Kremlin when this morning President Putin offered his support in whatever ways would help President Trump including the use of the Russian military, if requested.
It remains unclear what will happen next. Large mobs are gathering today on the grounds of most state capitols where a Democrat is governor. Many of the protestors are armed with assault weapons and hand grenades, and several in the news media have reported seeing rocket launchers. It is rumored that some of the agitators may have access to nuclear weapons. Several observers have noted that the actions appear to be planned and well organized. Some eyewitnesses to these gathering also report hearing what sounds like the Russian language being spoken.
The country remains in what has been described by many as the biggest crisis most of us will experience in our life times. Virtually all health care experts have warned that lifting the physical distancing orders now, before extensive testing is in place, will have a disastrous effect allowing the Covid-19 coronavirus to spread like wildfire. They say that the reason that the fatalities have been lower than what was forecasted is due to the rigorous distancing regulations and the closing of businesses and nonessential activities, and that deaths are likely to skyrocket if people are suddenly allowed and encouraged to go back to work.
Many in the country, especially Democratic Party elected officials, appeared to have been caught off guard by Trump’s tweets and his support for the protesters, and are unclear as to how to respond. Speaker Pelosi and Minority Leader Schumer are meeting this afternoon with other leading Democrats including the apparent nominee for president, Joe Biden, to develop a response to Trump’s actions. If Trump orders the U.S. military to assist actions by protestors to take over local and state governments, it is not clear what the outcome will be. Attorney General William Barr is reported to have urged the president to declare a national state of emergency, temporarily suspend the U.S. Constitution, postpone indefinitely all elections, and put the country under martial law. President Trump is said to be seriously considering these options.
Let Us Now Praise Famous Men and Women
During this time of the Covid 19 pandemic, let us give praise. Let us praise all those people who are working every day to save lives in hospitals, wellness centers, and emergency rooms. They are there for us all the time, but we think about them rarely, mainly in times of crisis like we are in now. Many do this at great risk of getting infected, and some have paid the price with their lives. Let us praise the doctors, the nurses, the nursing assistants, and the medical technicians. Let us praise those who keep them going—those who greet patients, answer the phone, run the computers, turn on the lights, prepare the food, wash dishes,clean up, fix what is broken, provide security, and all those behind the scenes who keep the hospitals and doctors’ offices open.
Let us praise the first responders, those whom we honored after 9-11, but whom often we take for granted. Let us praise the emergency health care workers, the police, and firefighters, and all those who are there for us in times of great crisis.
Let us praise the hospital chaplains, the clergy, the social workers, and all those who comfort the sick and the bereaved, their families, and loved ones.
Let us praise the researchers and scientists who are working 24-7 to figure this pandemic out, to soften its blow, and to develop a vaccine.
Let us praise our teachers and professors, who are now teaching from home using the internet to connect with students.
Let us praise those who work in nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and senior’s housing where the losses have been so great and the personal risks so high.
Let us praise all those people who are keeping us going in our own homes as we struggle to deal with stay-at-home orders, isolation, and physical distancing. Let us praise those who are still working in essential businesses like grocery stores and pharmacies, those who prepare food for delivery and get it to us, those who drive the buses, trains, trucks and airplanes that get essential items to us, those who produce the food, and those who drive the taxis and cars that take us where we need to go. Let us praise those who deliver our mail, pick up our trash, clean our streets and public areas, and those who work in the apartment buildings where so many of us live. Let us praise those in government who get to us essential services and financial aid. Let us praise our military and those who are keeping our country safe and strong. Let us praise our elected officials at all levels of government who are making difficult decisions every day regarding how to deal with the pandemic.
And let us praise the everyday people who are lending a hand here and there, trying to ease the pain we all are going through. Let us praise the small business owner who continues to keep staff on, knowing that if government help does not come soon enough, it could mean the end of the business. Let us praise the landlord who gives tenants a break on the rent and lenders who put off foreclosures and loan payments. Let us praise all those who call a neighbor or friend just to check on how they are doing and to see if help is needed. Let us praise those who volunteer to provide services to shut-ins and those most isolated and at risk. Let us praise all who are trying to do their part by keeping a safe distance and staying at home. These are the unsung heroes.
Let us now praise all these famous men and women.
Faux News: Inside the Meeting to Reopen America
Our Faux News reporter, disguised as a medic with a thermometer to assure the absence of covid-19 by taking the temperature of all those present at the high-level meeting yesterday, secretly recorded the following unedited discussion. Those present included Vice President Pence, Attorney General Barr, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin, health advisers, Doctors Fauci and Birx and three unidentified advisers.
Trump: I am sick of this shit. It is time to reopen the country and reopen it now. I want it done tomorrow. Does anyone have any idea how much money I am losing every day on my shuttered hotels and resorts? This stay-at-home stuff has totally gotten out of hand, and now unemployment is hitting the double digits. I am sick, sick, sick of this, and the American people won’t stand for it.
Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. I agree with everything you say. I always agree with everything you say. You are the greatest, the best president we have ever had. I am so lucky to have the honor of serving you. The American public loves you. You are not capable of making a mistake, Ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you….
Trump: Enough Pence. What do the rest of you think?
Barr: Agree.
Mnuchin: Agree.
Fauci: Not so fast, Mr. President. The physical distancing is working. The stay-at-home orders are working. That is why the projections have gone down from 60,000 deaths to maybe 40,000, but if we were to stop the distancing and the stay-at-home orders, the projections could easily jump to well over 100,000 deaths and perhaps as much as over one million deaths in the U.S. The problem is we really don’t know, and we can’t know without testing, and we do not have the testing we need yet.
Trump: Yes, we do. I have said many times that anyone in the U.S. who wants to get tested can get tested immediately.
Fauci: With all due respect, Mr. President, that is not the case. We are working on getting the tests out, but having the proper number is still weeks, maybe months away.
Trump: Fauci, you are fired.
(Fauci exits the room.)
Trump: Birx, what about you?
Birx: With respect, sir, I am afraid to say that I have to agree with Tony. We can’t risk seeing the deaths go up astronomically. The time will come when we can go back to something approaching normalcy, but we will not be able to do this until we are able to test millions of more people. Every health expert in the country agrees with us on this.
Trump: Not the ones on Fox News. Birx, you are fired.
(Birx exits the room.)
Trump: Now that the fake experts are gone, we can get down to business. I am going to announce at the briefing that everyone is expected to be at work on Monday and to throw the face masks in the waste basket. The fake pandemic is over, and America is going back to work. It is time to celebrate, and I want to see everyone in church on Easter Day, except for me, of course. I can’t get out of my scheduled golf game. Anyone not showing up for work on Monday will be jailed. Now let’s do it. I want those unemployment numbers going down. Now!
Barr: Bravo, Mr. President! I will get the ball rolling.
Adviser 1: With respect, Mr. President, you may want to slow this down a bit, and you may want to reconsider firing your healthcare experts. It will not play well with the press corps except, of course, for Fox News.
Trump: Have you seen my TV ratings? I am killing them. Off the charts! My ratings will really soar when everyone is back at work. And who cares about the fake press anyway? Nobody gives a twit about the lying bastards. Hunter Biden will not have a chance.
Adviser 1: You mean Joe Biden? In any event, sir, we honor you and believe you know best. I will withdraw my objection.
Pence: Good move, young man. The president is always right. Always. He never has made a mistake. He is incapable of making a mistake. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you so much. You are so great! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….
Trump: Enough Pence. Anyone else have any objections?
Adviser 2: Of course, Mr. President, I agree with you too like everyone else in the room right now. We all agree with you. But I feel, sir, obligated to point out the political risk if we are not careful. Two things. First, I believe the governors of the states will have the last say on this. This is really in their court.
Trump: Barr, is he right on this?
Barr: Mr. President. You can do anything you damn well please.
Trump: Thanks, Bill. Second point?
Adviser 2: According to the experts, we could see many more deaths if the stay-at-home and distancing orders are softened, and the number may spike near election time into the hundreds of thousands. That might not look good for your reelection.
Trump: Do you think for one moment that I give a flying twit about how many die? Most are old codgers who are going to die anyway. I just do not understand why this is such a big deal. People die all the time. And besides the vast majority are poor and black. Do you think anyone cares about them?
Adviser 2: Of course, I agree. We all agree. All I am saying is that it may not look good, and it may cost you votes. Plus, if you argue for everyone going back to work and the Democratic governors don’t go along with you, then you can blame the unemployment figures on them. You will be the hero.
Trump: Ok, I see your point. But what I want to know is this: Is it possible to hold back all federal aid to the blue states and the states where the governors do not appreciate me or say kind things about me?
Barr: Mr. President, you can do anything you damn well please.
Adviser 3: That is correct, Mr. President, we all agree with you, and we all know that you do not make errors, but what we believe makes the most sense is to take it a tad slower. Yes, screw the Democrats, yes, screw the governors, and yes, let the masses die, but do not do it in a way that might look bad, at least for now, until your reelection is assured. We humbly and respectfully request that you do not fire Fauci and Birx right now but delay that and delay opening up America until May 1– and then you do all you can to screw the governors who do not comply, but try to keep it under the radar.
(prolonged silence)
Trump: Ok, I will make the announcement. May 1 it is, and for now I won’t fire my fake experts, at least not yet, but do not think for one moment that I will take anything they say seriously. And by the way, Barr, I want you working on making absentee voting illegal…
Barr: I am on it, Mr. President.
Trump: Ok, meeting adjourned.
Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….
Trump: For God’s sake, Pence, the meeting is over.