Faux News: All The Fake News That Is Fit To Print. “Trump Makes First Nationally Televised Appeal to Country At Time of National Crisis”

Here is the transcript of the nationally televised address by President Trump last evening:

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am addressing the country this evening from the Trump Tower as The United States of America confronts a crisis unlike any other we have ever known. I am appealing to you for your help and support in order to save our beautiful country and to make American great again.

A new and dangerous enemy has emerged. I am not talking about Russia, which despite what anyone in Congress says, is our friend. I am not even talking about North Korea. So they have a few nukes. So they knock out South Korea and Japan. We will annihilate them before they can get to us. No need to worry. You can sleep at night. I am not even talking about the no good, Muslim, Islamic extremist terrorists. We are knocking them off one by one.

I am talking about the new threat, which has just become obvious to most Americans who followed the Charlottesville incident last week—a domestic threat. I am talking about the hate and violence groups that are threatening to take away all that we believe about our beautiful country. These people are evil and must be destroyed.

I am talking about the Alt Left.

Now some of you may be wondering what the Alt Left is. You saw some of them in Charlottesville carrying clubs and marching without a permit and disrupting what was otherwise a peaceful march led by very fine people, who did have a permit. And these fine people were trying to protect a statue of a very fine person, Robert E Lee, whom I am told headed up the Confederate army and did a good job. Some say that there were people in this peaceful group trying to protect the Lee statue who were not fine people, and that may be true. You can find bad people everywhere, even in groups like the Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klan. I am not defending such people if they do exist.

But they are not the real threat to our country. They may have militias and arsenals and stockpiles of weapons and they may say people will die and that they are at war with our country, but they also say that I am one of them and that they love me. I am not worried about them and neither should you.  But they are not the enemy we must fear.

The enemy we must fear and destroy is the Alt Left. These people say they believe in equality, fairness, peace and justice, but these are just empty words to cover up what they really believe and why they are fighting. They were the ones who carried clubs and pepper spray– not the peaceful group, who were the ones who carried assault weapons and could have shot anyone they wanted to but didn’t. They are good people.  The Alt Left is the group that is responsible for the violence in Charlottesville because of the clubs they had and because of all the bad things they said. These low-life people have only themselves to blame. They are the un-American group that you should fear.

So who are they? They are people who hate me. I have done nothing to hurt them, but they do not care. They mock me. They ridicule me. They make fun of me on late night TV. They make my life miserable. I am making America great again, and this is what I get in return? They must be stopped.

So who specifically are they? Well, this is why I am talking to you tonight on national television and radio. These people are everywhere. Some may even be your next-door neighbor. Some may even be in your own family. What they all have in common is that they hate me and give me low marks on national opinion surveys—even though I do not believe those surveys because I know they are fake. They have normal jobs and do normal things. That is why it is going to be hard to take them out, but with your help we can do it.

They join or support organizations like Planned Parenthood, People For The American Way, The Southern Poverty Law Center, The League of Women Voters, The United Way, Goodwill Industries, the Red Cross, The Salvation Army, The Sierra Club, the Nature Conservancy, your local Chamber of Commerce, and, of course, the Democratic Party. Not to mention the Boy Scouts. Did you hear what the head of the Boy Scouts said about me? An absolute disgrace. Treasonous, if you ask me. And they are in churches—they are not real Christians like the Evangelicals, who love me and think I am the Second Jesus — but fake ones like the Episcopals. I used to be a Presbyterian myself but no longer. They are the anti Christ.

So you get my message. They have infiltrated our country and are everywhere. There are even more of them now than there were Commies when McCarthy was going after the Red Scare.

They are the ones who believe in climate change, who believe in evolution, who read books and watch MSNBC and CNN and public television and who read the New York Times and the Washington Post. They are the elitist hypocrites. They work in government and non-profit organizations and say they are trying to make the world a better place. But you and I know better. Some even work in business. They are professors and schoolteachers, nurses and doctors, and even lawyers and Obama-appointed judges. They worst ones are actually the fake news reporters. They are the ones who embrace immigrants and refugees and say that black lives matter. They are the ones who want to narrow the income gap, go easy on terrible countries like Iran and Cuba, tax the rich, and who want some kind of universal heath care and   social safety net for the poor, who in my opinion, frankly, get what they deserve. They are against everything that I am for.

So what I am asking you to do tonight is to join me in a national effort to snuff them out. All I am asking is that you pay close attention; and if there is anyone you know or see who exhibits the characteristics I have just noted—promoting do-good fake causes, spouting lies and fake news, protesting me or the people who support me—or, most important, who are people who hate me, all I am asking you to do is to write down their names, addresses, telephone and social security numbers if you can get them, and send those names to me pronto. Could be your best friend, father, mother, brother, sister or child—just do it. Do it for the country. I will take care of the rest.

To implement this I am announcing tonight the formation of a new federal agency and cabinet position—the Department of National Unification. I am appointing Scott Pruitt to head that up since he will be out of a job when I close down the EPA next week, and Scott will start taking names and kicking, uh, you know what. At the same time we will double or triple the number of prison beds to take care of this and pay for it with the savings we will get when I close down the Departments of Education, HUD, Energy, State Department, and Commerce. I would have had my former friend, Jeff Sessions, head this up, but Sessions is such a low life and so disloyal that I could not trust him to get the job done. Pruitt will do it.

As I said when I started, we are in a state of national crisis. The Alt Left is trying to take over the country and destroy it. Most troubling—they hate me and say nothing nice about me. We can’t let that happen anymore. With your help we will snuff them out. Every single one.

Thank you and God bless you, each and everyone who loves me, and God bless the United States of America.

 

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Faux News: All The Fake News That Is Fit To Print: “Crisis Up Date. The Situation Room, Friday, August 11. 12:03 PM.”

Trump: Ok. Meeting come to order. Do we nuke ‘em now or later?

Kelly: Mr. President, with all due respect, I think we need to think this thing through.

Bannon: Nuke ‘em now. Show ‘em who’s boss.

Trump: Shut up, Steve. Ok, General, how many nukes we got ready to go?

Kelly: 1,800, sir, about the same number as Russia.

Trump: I am not worried about Russia for Crissake. You mean we got this many nukes and they are just sitting there gathering dust and costing the U.S. tax payers money?

Kelly: It is all about deterrent. We have these weapons to use as a deterrent to other nations that if they strike first we will annihilate them. In fact we have always had a no strike first policy.

Trump: Not anymore we don’t. I do not believe in wasting the tax payer’s money and let some two bit, diddlysquat, second rate, worthless country hit first. The American people won’t stand for it. If we are going to nuke them anyway, I say just skip the first step and get rid of the country. It would be doing the world a big favor.

Bannon: Right. Mr. President!

Kelly: But that would have disastrous consequences. North Korea we believe has about forty nuclear weapons which could fit on rockets that could easily reach South Korea and Japan and possibly Guam. If we did not knock them all out, they would retaliate any way they could. South Korea would be gone for sure. Tens of millions of people would be killed. There are more than 25 million living in the Seoul metro area who would be vaporized. Plus we do not know where all the weapons are. They are located in mobile units in tunnels underground. There is no way we could get them all.

Trump: What has South Korea done for us lately?

Bannon: Nothing.

Kelly: They could also hit Japan and kill millions more.

Trump: Hell, Japan nuked us in World War II. Would serve them right.

Kelly: Pardon me, Mr. President, Japan did not nuke us.

Trump: Oh yeah, what about Pearl Harbor?

Kelly: That was with conventional weapons. Actually we nuked them.

Trump: Whatever. And that was a first strike. So much for the no first strike theory. It did not apply then, and it won’t work now.

Bannon: Right, Mr. President.

Kelly: I am not the only one to offer caution. You have two other former generals in your cabinet who are in the Situation Room.

Trump: So how about it, MacMaster?

MacMaster: Agree with General Kelly. This could be the worst disaster in all of human history.

Trump: Well, that is what I was hinting at when I said that they would see fire and fury the world has never known. They have it coming to them. What about you, Mattis?

Trump: I also agree with General Kelly and General MacMaster. If there is any way we can avoid a nuclear war we should. We have to let this cool down plus we do not know what China or Russia would do.

Trump: I goddamn told you I am not worried about Russia. How many nukes do the Chinks have?

Mattis: We believe they have approximately 260.

Trump: Hell, that’s nothing. How much damage could that do?

Mattis: Wipe out every major city in the U.S.

Trump: Not if we get to them first. Hell, if we are going to wipe out North Korea, how much effort would it be to just keep flying and knock out China while we are at it?

MacMaster. Sir, it is a very large country…

Bannon: And just think how great that would make us. We would be first again.

Trump: Anyone else? Rex, what about you?

Tillerson: I agree with the generals, sir. We need to give diplomacy a chance.

Trump: So what are you doing about it?

Tillerson: Unfortunately all the officials appointed by Obama were fired just after the Inauguration. We have not replaced anyone and there are no plans to do so. We do not have anyone available at the State Department to work on it. Someone suggested sending Dennis Rodman over and offering them an NBA franchise, maybe Charlotte, but that seems like a long shot.

Trump: Give that some more thought, Rex. Anyone else weighing in….? Well, not hearing any response from anyone else in the Situation Room, I am assuming that all the rest of you agree with me and Steve. I’ve got a golf game with some Russian friends right now, then dinner at the grill, then another golf game tomorrow morning, but will get back to you when I have decided what to do. Or you can read about it in the fake newspapers.

 

 

 

 

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Faux News Exclusive: All the Fake News That Is Fit to Print. “The First 200 Days: An Interview With Donald Trump.”

 

FN: Mr. President, thank you for taking the time out from your vacation and daily golf game—and we know that you are the best golfer that ever occupied the White House and one of the greatest golfers who ever lived—thank you for agreeing to an exclusive interview as you now have reached your first 200 days in office.

Trump: The greatest 200 days of all time. Just look at the stock market. Think of all the billionaires I have made even richer and how rich everyone now is, and it is all because of me. Under Obama the economy tanked, and if crooked Hillary had been elected, God help us. She would have been impeached and in jail anyway if she had been elected, and she should be in jail now. That is why I want to fire Sessions. I told him to nail her, and what has he done? Nothing. Disloyal bastard, plus he has given the crook, Mueller, a free hand to carry on a witch hunt that the American people know is fake, just like all the fake news about Russia. The American people know Putin is our friend, and all this stuff about the election meddling is made up by Democrats, the sore losers. They can’t beat me at the polls, so they do this. They should all be put in jail, and frankly the American people won’t stand for this behavior.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but the purpose of the interview is to talk about your many accomplishments.

Trump: Well, there are so many I don’t know where to begin. Have you checked out the occupancy of my DC Hotel lately? We have tripled the room rates and are booked almost trough 2020. Mainly foreign diplomats and foreign businessmen. They know a good president when they see one, but not these terrible Democrats and even the weak kneed Republicans, who can’t even pass a health care bill, they are disgusting. And Hillary. If she hadn’t paid off three million illegals in California to vote for her, I would have won the popular vote by the widest margin ever. And we are building more hotels, golf courses and resorts all over the world. It is fabulous, just fabulous! But poor Donny Junior. He is doing such a great job running the business, but they are trying to tar and feather him over some fake meeting with Russians.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but actually I was thinking about all your many political and government achievements.

Trump: Oh yeah, those. Well, if you read  history books, there has been nothing like it. Start with my executive orders. I have rolled back every order on the environment that the crook, Obama, ordered illegally. All his fake nonsense about climate change. And we are now out of the Paris Accord, freeing us up to do whatever we like, and believe me, we will do it. The American people know fake news when they see it. And I have pretty much wiped out the EPA. As a practical matter they are finished. Ditto for the State Department. We are not filling vacancies because we don’t need a bunch of egg heads telling Rex what to do. HUD? A dead duck and the same for most of the other agencies except Homeland Security. The American people know that Washington bureaucrats are our real enemy. We are taking care of that big time. And yet all the fake news is about Russia. The fake press should be locked up for all their lies and fake news. But we are taking action. Did you know I have just started my own TV station where you will get the real news?

FN: Thank you, Mr. President. You are a great man, a great golfer, and the greatest president of all time. But are there other things you are proud of?

Trump: You bet. I’ll go through this fast because my golf game with my Russian guests is to start soon. But take this all down. I am nailing the immigrants big time, stopping the Muslims from coming in and sending the Latinos back to where they belong. Good riddance and the American people love me for it. And just you watch—the wall is gonna get built. Then we will nail illegal voters, throwing ‘em in jail. There is massive voter fraud, and everyone knows it. It is all those no good Democrats who are cheating. That will come to a halt when we get all the voter registration info. You are not going to see that many Democrats vote in the future. And we are now suing the colleges who pursue so called “affirmative action.” We are requiring cops to get tougher with suspects, rough ‘em up, and we are going to throw all drug users in jail and are seeing massive new construction of private prisons to take care that. Helps the economy–jobs, jobs, jobs. In fact Donny and Eric are starting a new prison company.  And did I mention the Supreme Court justice?

FN: Would you care to comment on legislation that has been passed?

Trump: I am draining the swamp, but it is slower than I had hoped. It is basically the Democrats fault. We had a great health care bill which would have been great, really great, the greatest ever. Fake News said 25-30 million would lose their insurance, but that was a lie. Obamacare is destroying our country, and everyone knows it. A couple of Republicans caved and they will pay for it, but we will get a law and it will be wonderful and beautiful. And then we got tax breaks coming next—I mean tax reform—and that will really make everyone richer and give us more jobs, jobs and jobs.

FN: And foreign policy?

Trump: The Congress totally screwed up on the Russian sanctions bill, but I am going to work around that, and as for North Korea and China, well, I would like to talk about that, but I’ve got to go to my golf game. I will say this: That a couple of nukes from us would pretty much end any threat from them because there would be no “them” left. And as I told somebody a while back, if you’ve got these nukes, why not just use them? They are just sitting around gathering dust.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President…

Trump: And one more thing. I am sick and tired of all these fake polls saying I am not popular. Have you ever been to one of my rallies? They are packed, and they love me. They scream and holler my name and they say I am the greatest man who ever lived. Some of the evangelicals say I am the second Jesus. They are the ones who know. They know how much good I am doing. And believe me, if those crooked Democrats, sore losers, try to give me trouble over a fake Russian tampering which never happened, we could be talking armed resistance from my devoted followers, who love me so much. So everybody better watch out.

FN: Thank you Mr. President. Congratulations on the best first 200 days in U.S. history. You surely must be the greatest man who ever lived. Good luck in your golf game with your Russian guests! And thanks for making America great again!

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Faux News Exclusive: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump/Putin Meeting At the G20 Summit.”

The long awaited meeting at the G20 Summit between Trump and Putin occurred with no reporters present—except for Faux News. Here is the abridged but truthful, partial transcript of the two-hour meeting:

Trump: Mr. Putin, I am so glad to be with you again. The secret meeting we had at the beauty pageant did not give us enough time to really get to know each other. You know that you are my hero and role model.

Putin: Thank you, Mister President. It is my honor.

Trump: May I call you Vladdy?

Putin: Of course. May I call you Donny-Boy?

Trump: No problem. My first question is simply to confirm what you and I already know to be true—that Russia had nothing whatsoever to do with any meddling in our election. 

Putin: Of course not, Donny-Boy, we would never do anything like that.

Trump: That is what I thought. Those phony intelligence reports drive me crazy. I am fighting the Deep State where these no good bureaucrats care more about their country than about me. Fake reports. All the stuff I get from these scoundrels, these so called intelligence agents is fake.

Putin: Donny-Boy, I feel sorry for you.

Trump: Now, Vladdy, let’s move on to other more important things. What I want to know is why and how you are so popular. Now I am also very popular but not as popular as you. I won the election, thanks to you and your operatives, by the largest margin in all of American history when you take into account all the illegal aliens and thugs that voted time after time illegally. My popularity right now is also the highest any American president has ever had when you discount the fake polls by the fake press.   But what really pisses me off is these talk shows and phony pundits like Joe and Mika and all the slime balls at CNN, the New York Times and the Washington Post. They hate me for no good reason other than sour grapes. They don’t want to make America great again. I’m making America great again. They hate me for that. What can I do about it?

Putin: Jail ‘em.

Trump: You mean just lock ‘em up like I want to lock up Hillary?

Putin: Of course, Donny-Boy. Everyone knows that a free press destroys democracy. If you want to really make America great again, the first thing you do is jail the fake press. It is quite simple. America won’t ever be truly great until you restore true freedom of speech by locking up the fake press. Just check my approval ratings of over 80%. Do you think that would be the case if I allowed a bunch of malcontents and sore losers to dump on me all the time?

Trump: Great idea, Vladdy. That is how we can restore freedom of speech. How about it, Rex?

Tillerson: Well, Mr. President, we do have a constitution. There is something in it about freedom of speech.

Trump: How many new Supreme Court appointees will it take to change that?

Putin: We have a constitution too, but with the right approach you can get around such technicalities.

Trump: Start to work on it, Rex.

Tillerson: Will do, Mr. President.

Trump: Now about cyber security. Is there any way that you can help us with this since you guys seem to be much better at this sort of thing than we are?

Putin: I would be delighted to help you, Donny-Boy, and keep America from ever being violated like you were in the last election. To do this, of course, we will need you to turn over all classified information from your NSA and CIA. Of course, we already have most of what we need, but this would make our job easier. With this information, I can personally guarantee you that you will never be cyber attacked by a hostile power.

Trump: Thank you, Vladdy. You are a true inspiration. Get to work on it, Rex.

Putin: Is there anything else on your agenda, Donny-Boy?

Trump: How can we work better together to kill the terrorist, Islamic menace and to keep those terrible Europeans from messing things up?

Putin: Jail ‘em. The Europeans, that is–especially Merkel and Macron. As for the Islamists, kill them. We will help you on that.

Trump: Thanks, Vladdy. Rex, can you work on this?

Tillerson: Yesser, Mr. President.

Putin: Now, Donny-Boy, in exchange for helping you with cyber security and killing terrorists, I want the sanctions lifted and I want them lifted NOW. I want our mansions back and I want our people back in the U.S. doing their jobs.

Trump: Rex, could you work on this?

Tillerson: Yesser, Mr. President, but the Congress is opposed, even Republicans.

Putin: Jail ‘em.

Trump: Work on it, Rex. And there is one more thing, Vladdy. All this stuff about climate change. We do not believe in climate change in the U.S. but we are the only country in the world that is taking this position. It makes us look bad when all the other G20 countries and the other countries move forward on the Paris Accord and say bad things about us. Do you think that you could change your position and join us? This would help you mine more coal and sell more oil. And it would make us look good.

Putin: No dice, Donny-Boy. Even I believe in climate change. But I can help you in other ways. We can form a new alliance which the whole world would fear—the new Russo-American alliance for freedom, justice and making the world great again. How about it?

Trump: Will have to work on this one. Not sure I can get the approval from Congress yet. But give me some time. They will be passing the health care bill this week which will take away health care from the poor and give billions to the rich, then the tax break bill for the rich the week following, then scrapping most federal agencies after that. I am sure that by August they will be ready to approve the new alliance and then America—and Russia!—will truly be great again.

Putin: Thank you, Donny-Boy. Very constructive meeting.

Trump: Indeed, Vladdy. See you soon I hope.

 

 

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Faux News Special: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump’s Third Cabinet Meeting.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the absence of editions of Faux News over the past several weeks. This editor has been working feverishly on the upcoming photography exhibit entitled “Joseph Howell Photography: A 50 Year Retrospective” to be held—along with the drawings and art of Michael Martin—at the Katzen Art Center in Washington. Opening is on Saturday, June 24, from 5-7. Exhibit will run through August 4.

But fake news continues as the world turns, and here is the latest edition:

On Friday, June 16, 2017 President Trump held his third cabinet meeting. The following is the complete and unedited transcript:

Trump: Thank you all for coming. Sorry about the shooting yesterday and going forward we will try to get more guns in the hands of the good guys. Now I want to hear how each of you is doing with regard to making America Great Again. No excuses. I want it all, and I want it in great detail. Now let’s get started. Mister Vice President.

Pence: Mr. President, I am humbled that you would call on me to speak first and so grateful, so very grateful to serve under your majesty—I mean presidency–that I cannot begin to express my profound and great gratitude to you personally. At he last meeting I said I had been blessed. That was an understatement. I have been totally transformed and born again. Sir, you have already made America great again! My desire is to kiss your ring if you have one, to shine your shoes, to bow and ask for your mercy, to…

Trump: That’s enough, Pence. You are doing a fabulous job, fabulous. Thanks for sharing all you are doing. Priebus.

Priebus: Your majesty, I mean, Mister President, the Vice President does not begin to describe how much you are doing to make America Great Again and how you have turned our country into the greatest from what it was before, which was the worst, the very worst. Thank you Mister President, thank you, thank you, thank you….

Trump: Great work, Reince. You have got it exactly right. Secretary of State.

Tillerson: Sir, it is a true honor…

Trump: Thanks, Rex, you are doing a terrific job—keep it up! Secretary of the Treasury.

Mnuchin: I am so honored to serve under your rule, Mister President, and am happy to report because of you the stock market is at all time highs and you have made us all so very rich. Everyone. And this is just the beginning. Just wait ‘till your tax reform passes and the hard working one percent of us will be exempt from all taxes. The country is great because of you and you alone.

Trump: Right, Steve, and keep it up! Secretary of Defense.

Mattis: Sir, I believe it says in the Bible some place that the weak will be made strong and the strong weak. We were weak and now we are strong and it is all because of you. And it is all right there in the Bible.

Trump: Great job, Jim. Attorney General.

Sessions: Your highness, I mean, Mister President. I know who is lying and who is telling the truth—and Comey should be locked up for perjury–and you can count on me to get all those leakers locked up too–that is the only crime here, not these lies, falsehoods, innuendos and fake news about Russians for God’s sake– and that includes Hillary and her email felonies and her traitorhood. She has ruined the country with those emails, but you have made us great again! And nobody even talks about those terrible emails anymore, just about our good friends, the Russians. It is a vast, left wing conspiracy sponsored by the slimy “elite” East Coast press. Plus we all know that you were elected by the greatest landslide in American history except for those illegals who kept voting over and over, and we are going to lock them all up and send them home where they belong.

Trump: Keep fighting, Jeff. Lock ‘em up. Commerce.

Ross: Sir, because of your greatness we are trading again on our terms…

Trump: Thanks, Wilbur, I knew I could count on you. Labor.

Acosta: Sir, you have put everyone back to work just like you said you would. And you are the champion of the hard working men and women who are working to make America great again. They love you. I love you. We all love you. Just like you said, you could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and we would all still love you, and by way, like you said, if everyone carried a gun, you wouldn’t see members of the U.S. Congress being mowed down by the Bernie Sanders campaign.

Trump: Got it, Alex, and I appreciate that. Jeff, please take care of this. Now Health and Human Services.

Price: Because of you, the failed health care system in the U.S. will soon be history and you have freed the American people from the servitude of the so called Obamacare. I know the House bill hasn’t passed the Senate yet, but insurance companies are dropping out like flies leaving people free from insurance. This is what I call making America great again and you are doing it. Thank you Mister President. A terrific accomplishment to free over 20 million people who are in bondage under this terrible Obamacare. I am so lucky to be in your Cabinet. Thank you, thank you!

Trump: No problem. Housing and Urban Development’

Carson: Sir, you are the greatest and if I had known how great you really were, I would never, NEVER, have considered running against you…

Trump: Keep up the great work, Ben. Energy.

Perry: Me too, your highness, uh greatness, I mean your Presidency. Would never have even thought about running if I had known how great you are. In fact the reason I dropped out was because after the first debate I realized how great you really are. I was the first to quit and I am proud of it, and proud to serve you.

Trump: Good decision, Rick. The U.N.

Haley: Yes, Mister President. The U.S. is back. We are number one again. We are feared. We are admired. And the whole world now knows this, thanks, of course, to you. America IS great again and everyone knows this.

Trump: Great job you are doing, Nikki. Now I realize that there are some of you who have not had a chance to tell us all that you are doing to make America great again. So I would simply ask you to tweet me and tell me everything in detail just like your fellow cabinet members have done. One tweet each will be enough, but don’t leave out anything. And thank each of you for sharing your ideas and all the details of all the great work you are doing. I can now proclaim that we are back: because of what you all have told me in this very important Cabinet meeting, I know that America is truly great again.

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Faux News Exclusive: All the Fake News That is Fit to Print. “The Pope and the Pres. One-on-one.”

You did not read or see on TV anything about the secret, private conference between the Pope and President Trump with only a translator present. But we were there. Faux News bribed the translator and placed a listening device under his lapel. Here is the transcript verbatim and unedited. This is an exclusive to Faux News.

Trump: Your Highness, it is really good to meet you. I have heard a lot about you. Good things.

Translator: “Holiness.”

Trump: Same difference, but ok, “Holiness.”

Pope: Thank you, Mr. President, and thank you for coming to the Vatican.

Trump: We have a lot in common, your Reverence, and I think we are a lot alike.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Trump: Yeah, I meant Holiness. For one thing I read somewhere that all Popes are infallible. I actually am infallible myself.

Pope: [No comment]

Trump: And if you are infallible that means that you have never made a mistake. I also have never made a mistake. Yeah, eight bankruptcies and three wives, numerous affairs but no mistakes. You would not believe how much money I made off the bankruptcies.

Pope:[No comment]

Trump: So we can talk man to man. And what I want to talk about is the corner lot in the Vatican, which would make a fabulous site for a super luxury hotel and the best thing about it is that the trademark will be Trump Hotel but the “T” in Trump would be in the form of a crucifix, how does that sound? I have had a designer work out a sketch and would be pleased to show it to you.

Pope: Could we talk about climate change?

Trump: Now I know that you don’t want to part with the site. But I am going to make you an offer that you can’t refuse.

Pope: Perhaps we could focus for a moment on world peace.

Trump: So here is the deal. I know you aren’t interested in fighter jets, nuclear bombs, weapons of all shapes and sizes and classified U.S. intelligence though, believe me, a lot of other people are; and when I made the deal with the Saudis, they almost kissed me. Same for Netanyahu. But, your Holyman, you don’t care about those things.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Trump: So you know what I am going to do? If we can get this deal done, I am going to become a Roman Catholic. Do you have any idea what this might mean to your bottom line? Think of doubling or tripling your bingo intake. My followers are mainly Evangelicals and Protestants, and if I switch, they will follow me and they will put money in the offering plate. And they like to play bingo. Actually I am a Presbyterian but don’t take to them much since they don’t know how to have fun, and I would fit right in with the Catholics. Just check out my positions on abortion and women at the altar.

Pope: Perhaps we could talk about the poor and the meek, the least of these among us.

Trump: Yeah, sad, but God helps those who help themselves. I read it in the Gospel of Peter. And most are losers. I hate losers.

Pope: But didn’t a lot of these people vote for you, and if your plans come to fruition they will lose their health care, food stamps, job retraining and…

Trump: But just check this out. This is the crucifix I was talking about. There it says “Trump Hotel,” but can you believe how real Jesus looks hanging from the “T”?

Pope: Thank you very much, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to the Vatican. Our time is up and we must move on, but I will give your proposal careful consideration but suggest you do not make any radical decisions like becoming a Roman Catholic.

Trump: No sir, your Honor, no changes until a deal is done.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Pope: God bless you, Mr. President, and good-bye.

 

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Faux News Special: All The Fake News That Is Fit To Print. “Greatest Overseas U.S. Presidential Trip of All Time”

The following is a press conference held in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, on Sunday, May 21. Note that all media except Faux News has been permanently banned from all Trump press conferences.

Trump: I have a short opening statement. This is the greatest presidential trip of all time. Period. I have accomplished more in two days in Saudi Arabia than any president before me and more is yet to come. Now first question—Faux News.

FN: What is your greatest achievement with the Saudis?

Trump: There are so many I am not sure where to start, but it is probably the three new golf courses on the desert. No one will have seen anything like it when they get built. It will be like a new Trump Garden of Eden. In fact that is the trade mark we have selected. Second question—Faux News.

FN: What did it take to get that accomplished?

Trump: Not much. A dozen American fighter bombers, the newest ones we have, and one aircraft carrier. They initially wanted two but I jawboned them down to one. I am the world’s greatest deal guy. And is this a great deal or what? And to sweeten the deal, I threw in a couple of classified secrets.

FN: That is very impressive Mr. President, but what about the other accomplishments—world peace, killing terrorists, solving the Sunni Shia conflicts….

Trump: Oh, there is much more. We will be doing two new hotels in Riyadh. Ivanka has just announced a new line of fashion burkas, and Jared has got a couple of new high rises in the works as well. It has been a hugely successful meeting with the king, and I really like these Saudis. They seem to like me too. The king said we are really two of a kind and can truly understand one another. It is just a damn shame that the fake press in America hates me and is trying to destroy me. The people who voted for me—and that is a vast majority of the American people, the most ever if you take away all the illegals who voted—they love me, but not the press and the sore losers, hypocritical so called Progressives. Why do people like Endogen, you know, the guy from Turkey, and Abdel Fattah whatshisname from Egypt and, of course, my buddy Vladimir, why do they all love me, and the fake press just hates me….? And by the way, this kind of fake press reporting  would not be tolerated here in Riyadh. Third question. This one from Faux News.

FN: What will be next? What do you plan to do when you get to Israel?

Trump: First I will secure permanent peace in Israel and resolve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians forever, and then I plan to announce three new resorts—one on the Med and one on the Dead Sea. Still looking for the third site. And there will be another Ivanka fashion line. Last question—this one from Faux News.

FN: What about the rest of the trip?

Trump: It will be the greatest ever. The Pope and I have a lot in common and the NATO people are finally coming around. And I will have lots of announcements about peace, prosperity, U.S. jobs, more jobs, golf courses, hotels, resorts and new fashion lines. Got to run. Headed to Israel.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President. You are the greatest!

 

 

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The Other Side

I attended a fund raiser this week and bumped into an old friend, for whom I have great affection and respect. We found a small table in a quiet corner and over a beer caught up on what each of us had been up to over the past couple of years. I was not surprised that his life has been going well—two handsome teenage children, a strong marriage and a successful business career.

Nor was I surprised when he turned to me and commented, “And can you believe how outrageous all this stuff about Trump is?”

I nodded and acknowledged that I was obsessed by the whole situation.

Then he said, “ It is all the press’s fault. They won’t leave him alone. They won’t just let him be Trump. The Democrats and the elite liberals are just a bunch of sore losers…”

This was when I felt my heart sink into my stomach.

He surely must have known that I would not agree but continued, “Joe, as you know I have voted for Democrats more than I have Republicans and am an Independent. But I have to tell you until the Democrats figure out the hurt that exists in this country and the genuine admiration people have for Trump–especially the white working class and the Evangelicals– they will never take back the Congress or elect another president.”

What?

I had two choices. First, I could take him on and in fact made a feeble effort to argue that tax cuts for the rich, cutting 30 million people off of health insurance, and ripping apart the social safety net was not the answer for the problems of the white working class. He shook his head and held his ground, “The liberal elites just do not understand and don’t get it. Until they do, the situation will continue to be hopeless…”

So I moved to Choice 2. We changed the subject and talked about the Nats.

My friend is college educated. He grew up in a working class family and today by any standard is a success. He and his wife both have good, high paying jobs. They live in a beautiful house in a very nice neighborhood. He supports charities, attends church regularly and is community-minded.

And he supports Trump.

So do something like 40% of the rest of the country.

Why am I not able to understand this? Perhaps I have lived in Washington for too long and associate mainly with like-minded people. Perhaps it is because I do not recognize my own prejudices. Maybe I am one of the hated elites.

I still do not have an answer. As some of you may know, my book on the white working class, Hard Living on Clay Street, has just been re-released with a new banner on the cover, “If you want to understand why Trump got elected, read this book.” I am doing a book talk on Sunday when I am supposed to offer insights about why the white working class voted for Trump. I will offer the suggestion that the people I wrote about in my book had very difficult lives and did not perceive how the federal government did much to help them out. In those days the emphasis was more on race issues than class issues, and they felt looked down on and abandoned.

I suspect some of the same feeling is behind the support for Trump today. Now the culprit seems to be immigrants and the elusive global economy, which sends jobs overseas. I sort of get that.

But what I do not get is how solid middle and upper income people with good jobs and nice houses can support Trump and the policies which he is promoting. I do not get how many genuinely seem to love and admire this outrageous narcissist and self absorbed egotist. How can Evangelicals, of all people, who are deeply religious and say that they want to follow the example of Jesus, see Trump as their hero? Why do they hate Hillary so much? Why do they hate Obama?

But what I do know is this: The 40 percenters who are sticking by Trump as his presidency seems to be unraveling are not all bad people. In fact I am sure the vast majority are good people, like my friend. When you aren’t talking politics they would not appear to be all that different from people who can’t stand Trump. They want the same thing out of life that we all want—decent jobs and good careers, loving families and relationships, decent homes and neighborhoods, financial and health care security and opportunities for our children. But I also know that when you do start talking politics there is a deep divide that somehow we have to figure out a way to overcome.

And I also know this. We are in a very fragile situation right now for which there does not appear to be an obvious happy ending. In my view Trump is a disaster and not fit to be president. If he is impeached or quits, the 40 percenters will push back. If that were to happen, my friend warned me, “It’s Katy bar the door.”

 

 

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Bill Christenberry

In the early 1970s soon after we moved into our Macomb Street house in DC, I met a neighbor named Bill Christenberry. We soon discovered we had a shared interest in photography. At the time I was heavy into black and white photography in the Henri Cartier-Bresson and “Family of Man” genre. I had a Pentax SLR camera and a darkroom where I did my own printing. Photography was a bit of an obsession.

After telling him all about my great photography equipment and how serious I was, Bill replied, in his quiet and modest way,  that he took all his photos with a Kodak Brownie Hawkeye box camera and sent his film for developing and printing to the local drug store. Clearly a lightweight, I remember thinking smugly. What did he do with the photos when he got them back, I remember asking, to which he replied, “Oh, I mount some of the good ones and send them off.”

When I told the story to another neighbor a few days later, the neighbor responded, “And do you know where he sends them off to? Art galleries in New York and London and the Museum of Modern Art! That’s where.”

Last week Embry and I attended his memorial service at the Cochran Museum where he taught painting and photography for over forty years and where over 500 people had gathered to honor and remember him. Someone commented that every art critic in Washington was there along with a bunch from New York. One person I talked to said she was responsible for arranging one of his exhibitions in London. As several of the speakers pointed out, Bill Christenberry, along with Walker Evans and Bill Eggleston, was one of the great American photographers of the Twentieth Century. His extraordinary photographs are mainly of his beloved Hale County, Alabama—and mainly old, often abandoned buildings. As people spoke, some of his best photos appeared on a screen behind the speaker. The effect was stunning.

I could not help thinking how often we confuse photography equipment with the eye of the person who clicks the camera. That is what great photography always has been about and always will be.

As many of you blog readers may know, I am planning a “50 Year Retrospective” of my photography and have asked my brother-in-law, Mike Martin, to exhibit some of his drawings as well. Mike is a poet and writer along with being a visual artist. He is the real artist in the family. I have sent out “save the date” emails only to local folks since I do not want anyone to feel they should have to come a great distance to see the exhibit. But, of course, everyone and anyone, is welcome. (June 24 opening in the Katzen Arts Center at AU, 5-7, exhibit up through August 5).

But I also have to say that I feel a bit like an imposter. Thinking of Bill Christenberry—and we have other famous artist friends like Dickson Carroll—how pretentious can I be to think that my photographs deserve to be in an exhibit? The answer to that question–from someone who is now 75 –is, quite simply, that does not matter. Taking photographs over the years has been a part of who I am—and at my age, it is now or never. My photography is what it is, and for better or worse, I am proud of it—fully understanding that it does not begin to match up with the photographs taken by some who have shot photos with Brownie Hawkeye cameras and sent their film for processing and printing at local drug stores.

 

 

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The Indomitable Human Spirit

“They are here,” read the email which we received from our daughter. “They” referred to a refugee family, who moved into her family’s basement apartment about a week ago. The husband is from Afghanistan and the wife from Iran, and they have two young girls, a three-year-old and a six-year-old, both very cute children whom our eight-year-old granddaughter described as “sweet but a handful.” When we made our first visit to meet them last week, we were not sure what to expect.

We hardly had a chance to sit down before the door to the basement opened slowly and out bounded two beautiful children followed by a smiling mother probably in her mid to late thirties, wearing a headscarf. The younger child raced over to Embry and gave her a big hug around her knees and then came over to me and did the same. The older one was a bit shy and stood off to the side sporting a broad grin. The mother gave Embry a big hug and extended me a hand. Immediately they felt like family. The father emerged a short time later, a bit more reserved but smiling broadly and extending a hand.

So here they are. Since no one speaks a word of English (well, maybe a few words, and my daughter’s husband has an app on his iPhone which translates English into Farsi, and the wife has a similar device), it was a bit hard to communicate. However, it was not hard to miss what seemed, to me anyway, like overwhelming joy. They were here. They were in America. They had made it.

Yesterday Embry brought the family a stroller and two American Girl dolls (with numerous outfits) donated by some of our friends and spent the better part of the day with them, taking the mother shopping and helping out where needed. When they returned from the grocery store, they would not let Embry leave. The mother plunged into the small kitchen, the father spread a tablecloth on the floor (even though they have a table), and within a few minutes food miraculously appeared, carried from the kitchen by the father. Then more food. Embry was beckoned to sit on the floor, and the feast began. Embry said she had never tasted any food from the Middle East that was so delicious.

How they got here is a long story, which will come out as they learn to speak English. From the social worker assigned to help them, we learned that their life has been difficult but not as difficult as what many refugees go through. At some point the father must have worked for the U.S. in Afghanistan (which we presume is the reason for his visa) but fled Afghanistan for Iran, where he met his wife to be. The wife’s father rejected the marriage, threatened to kill him, forcing them to flee on foot over the mountains to Turkey. That was over five years ago. We do not know yet what their circumstances were in Turkey, but they could not have been good. There probably was a period in a refugee camp, perhaps some time homeless or as squatters. This will all come out in good time.

As I was thinking about the hardships they must have experienced, I saw before me four seemingly, remarkably happy people. How could they have gone through all this and kept up their spirits? How could the children seem so natural and outgoing and well adjusted?

Their struggle is far from over. They all have to learn English. It is not clear if the father is actually able to read. (He also suffers from double vision.) And the financial support they receive from our government is quite meager and lasts for only for three months. They have got to find jobs, get their kids into day care and school and somehow make enough money to pay rent and get food on the table. They know few here in the U.S. They have limited support from a caring but overwhelmed social worker and have no host family or network as many refugees have. I can’t help wondering how I could ever have survived such challenges.

But then I realize that this is what has made America what we are. We all have ancestors who migrated here, many, sadly, against their own will. There were casualties, but many made a good life for themselves in the New World. They overcame extraordinarily difficult circumstances.

I am proud of our country for welcoming immigrants. The United States has taken in so many people like these families. If you go back far enough you may find that the story of your ancestors was not all that different. This is what America is—a nation of immigrants and refugees, who came here in search of a better life. For many this was their last and only hope. That so many made a good life for themselves here is both a testament to the decency of the American people and to the extraordinary courage and determination of those who arrived—and continue to arrive. I understand the issue is controversial today and hope that our Congress will find a sensible and fair solution. But this post is not about politics. It is about the human spirit. The story of this refugee family occupying that basement apartment is testimony to the indomitable human spirit.

 

 

 

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